I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
