My liver just broke up with me...
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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