Where did you get a picture of my penis
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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