I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
