everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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