I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
