Will you blow on my dice?
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
NoShamevember. You game?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
