i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize