Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
