It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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