Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
