just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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