bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She made me pour olive oil on her.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
