A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
