I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
