Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
