eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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