oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
