dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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