I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
