Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Randomize
