How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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