just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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