you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
