My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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