For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
