things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
God, you're like boner-b-gone
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
