last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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