i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize