Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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