I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
