I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
