I am puke
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
