My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
