i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize