Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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