dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
