Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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