I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
