Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
