Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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