My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
