it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
