Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
