My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
