Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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