i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
