So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you win again, gameday.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
