There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
