FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
