An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Found the puke drawer
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
