just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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