I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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