the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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