Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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