"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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