11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
