PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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