I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize