I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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