I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
